How to Peel a Banana

You might think that peeling open a banana is a straight forward process. And in fact IT IS. You break the banana off from its bundle of friends. Then snap its neck/top/end it was attached by and peel down in a few sections. Easy squeezy!

But no. Like anything simple in life, there is a counterforce, opposing extremists, bent on making things more complicated than they need to be. That movement is growing, a group of lost souls that will try to convince you to open a banana from the bottom up. The WRONG WAY. These people are anarchists who want society to crumble to the ground. BE AWARE. Use the information below to stay TRUE and STRONG should you ever encounter one of these Backwards Banana Bandits.

First off, they will tell you that opening a banana from the bottom is easier and more natural, as this is how our monkey brethren do it all the time in the wild. Let’s dissect this.

1. Wild bananas are very different than our cultivated ones. So not only would a monkey NOT encounter our kind of banana in the wild, but should said monkey find a REAL wild banana, the banana would open at the top when plucked from the bunch, as it does in this video.

2. Since when is acting like a monkey the gold standard?? Need I say more??

3. If we DID want to strive towards behaving like a monkey when eating cultivated bananas, then we CAN mimic these long-tailed macaques as they bite through the skin anywhere along the shaft of the banana. We can ALSO squeal in anticipation then scurry off with a banana clenched in our jaws while double fisting two others. Go for it.

4. To be fair, maybe someone somewhere saw a monkey peel a banana from the bottom end up. But in my experience, most people eat bananas before the banana skin is covered in brown spots, and therefore eat unripe bananas. So more likely than not, monkeys are being fed unripe bananas by people. And OF COURSE it isn’t easy to peel a banana the RIGHT way when it isn’t even ripe!! When I try to open an unripe banana, I’ll often have to pierce it with a fingernail to get it started. Furthermore, if you think HUMANS are impatient when it comes to things they want, just give the video in point 3 above another watch to know that no monkey is going to wait around guarding their bananas while they ripen. So yes, maybe a monkey somewhere opened an UNRIPE banana the WRONG way out of necessity, but that’s on us for feeding them subpar fruit. This also calls into question the finger strength needed to pinch the bottom end of a banana in just the “right” way for it to open, and whether or not monkeys possess that finger strength and accuracy in a high-stakes banana frenzy. But I will leave some questions to be answered by you.

5. Last point, but DEFINITELY not least, is that when you peel a banana from top to bottom, you can easily break off that weird dark dense bit at the bottom end, and toss it away with your peel. Without even TOUCHING the weird bit! In fact, this might be the most important point of all…because, well, NOBODY wants to eat that bit!

All I ask is that you keep your eyes PEELED for these Backwards Banana Bandits, so that the fabric of our society doesn’t continue to unravel at the hands of these slippery BANANA SPLITS.

I hope you enjoyed this parody, and didn’t find it too BANANAS! Let’s choose to appreciate our differences instead. In the end we all want the same thing…MORE BANANAS!!! And however you peel your banana, just remember to peel them BEFORE freezing 😉